Pushing Through

I've been in a bit of a funk for the last few weeks. I've been struggling with it, because objectively, I've got it pretty good. Living in an occupied area means living in a state of constant tension--sometimes more tense than others. I'm in the cage willingly, unlike most of the people here. Inside the occupied territories, I've enjoyed a pretty decent standard of living. No worries about food, shelter, heat, and other necessities for me, and I can occasionally splurge on a treat, like the trip to the hot springs. I can also travel more easily than most people here can. I have some guilt about privileges that I have and largely take for granted, but mostly I try to channel that energy into drive my activism and writing.

I think the big issue for me is the "what am I doing here?" question. My official reason for coming here was to be a teacher and fundraiser at a local school, but my larger goal was to develop a youth conflict resolution/community service/organizing program model for the organization that I launched this summer. When I accepted the job, I had persuaded myself that I could do this within the context of my teaching and fundraising gig, but now I am not so sure it will work, because there is not quite as much flexibility in the curriculum and the after-school sessions are quite short--really only about 30 minutes once the kids settle in. I am going to explore doing something with the upper school students, perhaps start an AVP youth community. Maybe I need to investigate funding opportunities for the programs I want to develop. If you know of any funders interested in supporting youth-oriented conflict resolution, service, arts or advocacy programs, let me know. I think I'll probably add a donate button soon. (For the dozen or so regular readers I have!).

The problem for me isn't Palestine. It's not easy here by any means, but there are a lot of great things. The people are very warm and hospitable. I'm getting a little tired of the food (I am really craving sushi!), but love the marketplace and the fresh fruits and vegetables. Sometimes I chafe a little at cultural things. It's considerably more conservative than I am and traditional gender roles (and expectations) annoy me a little bit. It's also hard to live in a place where you don't speak the native language. I look at all of it as a way to increase my tolerance for change and accepting differences. Already, I have a new appreciation for and empathy with people who immigrate to the U.S. and don't speak English, and how hard it is. It would be even harder if you didn't have a good job lined up (as I did) and had more responsibilities, such as a spouse or children.

I'm working on getting it all figured out. Putting out negative energy and focusing on what's not working isn't helping me get to where I want to go. That will send me on a downward spiral that I don't need to slide down, especially considering the realities on the ground. I can't change the occupation, and I'm not being in service to the people here if I'm getting caught in my own stuff. I'm persevering and pushing through!